For those anxious to begin graduate study in the time-honored field of Biz-Speak, here it finally is-BS 501.This installment builds on the undergraduate series that was launched as BS 101 in July/Aug 2002 issue of PaperAge, followed by BS 201 in Jan/Feb 2003, BS 301 in June 2003, and BS 401 in March 2004.

Designed especially for professional BS'ers just entering the management ranks, BS 501 below focuses on the 3T's (types, techniques, tools) of today's most successful managers. But you don't have to be an aspiring young paper industry manager to enjoy the many benefits of Biz-Speak. Perhaps your goal is just to better understand what management consultants, strategy advisors, speakers at TAPPI and PIMA conferences, or just your boss or co-workers are really saying around the lounge coffee pot or candy machine. Either way, welcome to the graduate world of BS.

Muckity Muck: A high ranking local or divisional manager with sufficient authority to cause delays and/or inject serious complications in projects. Never cross a muckity muck.

Who Hah: Corporate level authority figure. Usually politically impotent or inactive, but can be dangerous if awakened, aroused, or confused. Never wake a sleeping Who Hah.

Grand Poo Pah: Corporate godhead. Seldom seen up close or in-person. Some Grand Poo Pahs are said to be holographic projections of dead Poo Pahs.

Empty Suit: A high level male manager who lacks the knowledge, experience, or intellect to hold the position. Female counterparts are called hollow bunnies.

Workflower: Someone who blends into the background at work. Possibly a person who works for or with you, but you never realized it.

Duck Shuffler: An upper level manager who comes around and rearranges ducks just when a subordinate employee has gotten them all in a row

Zerotasking: Doing nothing or having nothing to do. Workflowers frequently zerotask.

MBWA: Management by Walking Around. Wandering around a mill or office corridors, asking employees what they're working on, how it's going, who the person in the office next door is, etc.

CLM: Career Limiting Move. A professionally fatal incident that can put a roadblock in your career path, such as spilling coffee on a Who Hah.

PowerPointless: A lengthy, jazzed-up PowerPoint presentation with detailed, colorful graphs, charts, and animation that have no relevance or known applicable significance.

Geek Gap: The disparity between upper level managers who oversee/approve technological projects they don't understand and the clueful IT specialists who design and carry them out.

Clueful: Opposite of clueless. Describes someone who has at least one clue. A clueful person may mistakenly appear to be cocky or smartass.

Full Plate: Biz speak for “all you can handle.” Due to downsizing over the past few years, everybody in the paper industry currently has a full plate.

Get Arms Around: Take control. Similar to run with it, get off the dime, and get it in gear, but less aggressive. Works well with other Biz-Speak terms such as hands-on, e.g., “Get your arms around it, and be more hands-on.”

Butt Call: An accidental (typically a speed dialed) telephone call made by sitting on a cell phone in your back pocket. Similar to a Pocket Call, in which the receiving party hears only scraping sounds or the jingling of keys and coins, and occasionally your muffled voice. Can be politically dangerous.

Stage Phoning: The act of looking/sounding important in airports and other public areas by walking around with a cell phone, discussing (in an unnecessarily loud voice) important business matters, such as hiring or firing of employees, putting projects on hold, etc. Typically the act of Muckity Muck wannabes.

Cellular Macarena: The dance that occurs when a cell phone rings in a public place and everyone reaches for their coat pocket, front pants pocket, back pants pocket, etc.

Thumbspert: Someone proficient in the use of his or her thumbs to manipulate a cell phone key pad, BlackBerry device, PDA, mini-joy stick, etc. A seasoned Thumbspert can use both thumbs at once.

Voice Novel: A very long, rambling voice mail message.

Speako: A speaking error while using voice recognition dictation software.

Voice Jail: A place where callers go when using a poorly designed voice mail menu system that endlessly loops back on itself with no escape route. “I got stuck in voice jail for hours.”

Cockroach Problem: A problem that becomes progressively worse than it initially appeared.

Open-Air Conference Room: A place outside the building where some employees go to smoke and discuss business matters. "I have a 2 o'clock meeting in the open air conference room.”

Voicism: The practice of discriminating against an employee based solely on the sound of his or her voice. “He's a known voicist.”

Open Collar Worker: An employee who works at home.

Vuja Day: The distinct feeling of never having been in a certain place before. Opposite of Deja Vue. Related to Deja Moo, the nagging feeling of having previously heard the same B.S. before.

YYSSW: Y-generation text-messaging shorthand for "Yeah, Yeah, Sure, Sure, Whatever."

Treeware: Collectively, information printed or written on paper, e.g., books, newspapers, instruction manuals, notes, directions, etc.

Pulp Pilot: A paper notebook for storing telephone numbers, addresses, meeting dates and times, etc.

Capsizing: Downsizing gone amuck. A catastrophe that occurs when a company is unable to stop downsizing until only muckity mucks and who hahs remain, at which point it goes under because no one is left to do the work.

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